One of the main reasons I find myself being so awkward
around babies is that I don’t know when they start to be able to...do stuff. I have no idea when they can
talk, eat real food or understand sarcasm. I’m a waitress and a few weeks ago I
asked a customer if they wanted a highchair for their child, the response being
‘no, he’s 3 weeks old’. Cue awkwardness. A child at 1 week old and a child at 5
years old are all the same to me. To me, they all look the same size and they
all have big heads. Also, babies are hugely unpredictable. They cry. Like, all
the time. Which in itself is pretty predictable, but you never know why it is crying. It could be because it
is bored, or because it has done a massive steaming dump in its nappy. I can’t
deal with not knowing when I’m going to have to face a green poop.
I also truly believe that, like dogs, babies can smell fear.
I will never understand parents that shove their babies into the arms of clearly under qualified humans such as
myself, saying ‘here, have a hold’. Why
would you do that!? Do you not realise that your baby is incredibly
delicate? They are handing their most treasure possession to someone who could
be the clumsiest person on earth. If I’m ever a parent, I’m going to ask to see
people’s CVs before they are allowed to hold my little bundle of joy because I
will know that there are people out there who shouldn’t be within arm’s length
of anything breakable.
I am awkward giving handshakes
I am incredibly awkward giving handshakes. I hate the moment
when you realise that a hand shake is inevitable and you have to stand there
and desperately try to remember which hand is your left and which is your
right. As previously mentioned, my body responded to my awkwardness and one of
the most noticeable effects is that I get sweaty palms. Couple this with knowing
someone is about to touch said sweaty
palms, and the sweat increases twofold. Many times have I been caught trying to
sneakily wipe my hands on my trousers before an awkward handshake. Which is
awkward.
There is also such etiquette on how hard you are meant to
shake someone’s hand and since I feel like
I’m really strong, every hand shake I’ve given makes me feel like I’m crushing
the other poor person. However, trusted sources have told me I give a ‘pussy
handshake’ which has led me to doubt my own abilities and therefore cause huge
awkwardness when I try to apply different pressures during the handshake to see how the recipient reacts.
I am awkward at the tills in supermarkets
The dreaded ‘bag packing’ moment at the tills in a
supermarket is just terrible for me. I really feel like the cashier is trying
to race, to see how many items they can get through the till in relation to how
quickly you can pack your bags. I hate the look they give me to say ‘hurry up, amateur’.
Are you kidding me? Are you freaking
kidding me? You are trained to do this shit. It is literally your job to scan
items through the till. This is such an unfair contest. This is like having a
race between Mo Farah and Peter fuckin Griffin. I always feel like the
cashier is being so smug when they inevitably win said race and they look at you
‘sympathetically’ and say ‘do you need any help with that?’. No. I do not need any help with this. I’m not
stupid. I can do it myself. Just because my full time job isn’t putting items
into bags it doesn’t mean I’m not good at it and won’t get there eventually. It’s
also important to add that as customers we have the added pressure of having to
prise open those plastic bags. When you’re already feeling awkward and you’ve
got ‘sweaty palm’ going on, it is near impossible to do anything but paw
helplessly at these bags in the hope that eventually you’ll get one open. *
I am awkward when I see someone I used to go to school
with but never spoke to
This is something that makes no sense to me. There are
people that I went to school with years ago that I literally never said one
word to. Of course I know their face and I probably know the hilarious rumour
about the dirty things they did in the disabled toilets, but I have never
conversed with them. Fast forward 5 years later, and if I see this person out
and about I assume that we keep the long standing tradition of ignore the frick
out of each other. But no. Oh no. For some reason, because we’ve left school
that means we suddenly acknowledge each other’s existence and actually end up
having some form of conversation, for absolutely no reason. So awkward. So, so awkward. As soon as I’m backed into a
corner like this I usually start sprouting the most uncomfortable nonsense
known to man. Something along the lines of ‘so what do you do now? Not that I
knew what you did before. Apart from dirty things in disabled toilets. Was that
true by the way?’ People tend to think I’m being bitchy but I’m really not. I’m
just freaking out so much that my brain has a weird spasm and I have no control
over what tripe comes out of my mouth.
I am awkward on the telephone
This is something that has been a problem for me for years.
If my phone rings I just stare at it in absolute horror and stop breathing
until the ringing stops. I have no idea where this issue stems from. Some people
have daddy issues, some people have food issues, I have phone issues. If you
are standing in front of someone having a conversation you can usually judge
when they are about to open their mouth to say something. Over the phone you
have no idea which means when I do occasionally pick up the phone I just end up
talking over whoever is on the other end of the line because I just have no gauge of when I’m meant to say
something. It’s especially awkward when it comes to saying goodbye at the
end of the conversation. I don’t know how I’m meant to ‘sign off’. Am I meant
to give a reason why I need to end the conversation? Am I meant to say I’ll
ring them again? Who says goodbye first? I normally end up just screaming ‘I
HAVE TO GO, BYE BYE BYE BYE BYE’, hanging up and hurling my phone at the
nearest wall in despair.
I am awkward at buffets
I know a buffet should be heaven for a foodie such as
myself, but I find the whole concept hugely daunting. It’s just impossible to
know how much food is acceptable to put on your plate. Plus, there are all
kinds of factors to take into account when putting food on your plate, i.e are
we allowed to come back for seconds, are they going to bring out extra batches
of these delicious cheese and tomato sandwiches and if I eat this will some
poor vegetarian go hungry elsewhere? Because I feel so awkward around such huge
quantities of food, I usually end up going in the opposite direction and
choosing only the smallest amount and then feeling awkward and hungry for the
rest of the event I probably didn’t even want to attend in the first place.
*It is important to note that I am mental and there is
probably no such race going on and I have massive over thought this and
actually the cashier’s are just thinking about what they want for dinner
tonight and I’m a bitch and I am making a mountain out of a molehill and I need
to stop and and and....
0 comments:
Post a Comment