5 Shades of Drunk

I recently became horribly drunk after a full days drinking at a festival. I’m talking drunk to the extent I began whimpering that if I didn’t feel better in the next hour my boyfriend ‘should definitely call an ambulance’. I’m talking drunk to the extent I was sure someone must have spiked my drink. I’m talking drunk to the extent I didn’t even have to help myself throw up. It was a terrible time in my life. However, now I’ve managed to establish with myself that when I get completely rat arsed I am ‘A Whiner’, I thought it might be fun to write a blog entry about some of the other kinds of drunks you might find on a night out:

The Fighter

Unfortunately this category is not just reserved for men. If anything I see more females scrapping with each other, most of them looking like they are doing some abnormal mating dance, than men. The difference between drunk men fighting and drunk women fighting is that drunk men tend to just throw a few badly aimed punches before remembering they are best mates and going to buy each other another flaming Sambucca. From what I’ve seen of women fighters, they use weapons. And these are weapons you don’t even realise are weapons until they are being used as such. Suddenly a pair of cheap Primark stilettos are being used as eye-gougers, keys are being used to scratch initials into the other girls face, perfume bottles are used to bash the enemies skull in. To any girl who has been known to turn into A Fighter after a few too many Apple Sourz, I advise that you  should seriously rethink you alcohol intake before you end up in jail, with an ex-friend who is missing an eye and has the word ‘Bitch’ engraved on their cheek.

The Poser

This is for the person that has a drink and then decides that getting their friend to take a picture of them on the toilet is just the best. Idea. Ever.  Most of you will have seen these pictures and unfortunately for us, what has been seen cannot be unseen. The Poser will also make sure there are at least 30 photos of them holding two drinks (at least), dancing in the middle of an empty club. This is to let everyone know how much fun they are and how much we all want to be their friend because doesn’t everyone want a picture to capture the memory of them urinating in the same bathroom stall as their best mate?

The Updater

The Updater is normally a very close friend of The Poser. This person will update all his/her friends via social media sites to let them know how much fun they are having/how drunk they are/how much they love this song/how much they love their mates/how little sleep they have had etc etc etc etc etc etc etc. Etc. I’ve noticed a growing trend of people morphing into Updaters after ending relationships. Of course it is important to let the ex ‘Love of Your Frickin’ Life’ know that you are soooooooooooo much better without them, and that you are having sooooooooooooo much fun, and the best way to do that is on Facebook because he/she is definitely sat at home refreshing your page, waiting for information to filter through. If you are a diehard Updater you’ll even get your friends to post on your page something along the lines of ‘love u so much girlllll xxxxxx’ or ‘omg dese guys jst won’t leave us alone…they’re pretty hot doe ;) xxx’. The Updater will make sure everyone knows that they are just the most fun to be around, ironically missing the point that sitting on Facebook whilst on a night out probably makes you the most boring person to be around.

The Crier

The Crier is someone who has a couple of drinks and….cries. Pretty simple, really. The Crier will break down for an array of reasons. Perhaps the person they fancy is dancing with someone else, or they suddenly remember the gerbil they had that died 7 years ago, or (and in my opinion, the most irritating) ‘no one likes me’. The Crier is determined for everyone to stop enjoying their night and focus all their attention on whatever mundane problem The Crier has just realised needs to be addressed at that exact moment. The Crier will not rest until he/she has told everyone why their life is so much worse than everyone else’s and made sure everyone would rather slit their wrists than bust some moves on the dance floor.

The Best Friend

The Best Friend is the person that decides to live by the motto ‘strangers are just people you haven’t made friends with yet’, rather than ‘strangers are potential rapists and should be avoided at all costs’.  The Best Friend will dance with anyone, take a drink from anyone, laugh with anyone and the next day will probably end up with a wealth of pictures of people they do not know. The Best Friend is determined to make sure everyone is having fun, whether they know them or not. This means dragging everyone onto the dance floor. And I mean everyone. The Best Friend will take back strangers to their actual group of friends, introduce them and then leave them to go in search of more strangers. The Best Friend doesn’t notice if a stranger has a questionable odour about them. The Best Friend doesn’t mind if their new playmate wants to grab their behind all evening. The Best Friend doesn’t judge the person who is slyly emptying strange powder into girl’s drinks. Everyone in that club is a potential new buddy of The Best Friend. Everyone.

Of course the list of different types of drunks is far longer than this, but I’ve got really important things to do today like tidy the bedroom and eat 3 packets of French Fries in a row. Sorry.