I recently became horribly drunk after a full days drinking
at a festival. I’m talking drunk to the extent I began whimpering that if I
didn’t feel better in the next hour my boyfriend ‘should definitely call an
ambulance’. I’m talking drunk to the extent I was sure someone must have
spiked my drink. I’m talking drunk to the extent I didn’t even have to help myself throw up. It was a terrible time
in my life. However, now I’ve managed to establish with myself that when I get
completely rat arsed I am ‘A Whiner’, I thought it might be fun to write a blog
entry about some of the other kinds of drunks you might find on a night out:
The Fighter
Unfortunately this category is not just reserved for men. If
anything I see more females scrapping with each other, most of them looking
like they are doing some abnormal mating dance, than men. The difference
between drunk men fighting and drunk women fighting is that drunk men tend to
just throw a few badly aimed punches before remembering they are best mates and
going to buy each other another flaming Sambucca. From what I’ve seen of women
fighters, they use weapons. And these
are weapons you don’t even realise are weapons until they are being used as
such. Suddenly a pair of cheap Primark stilettos are being used as eye-gougers,
keys are being used to scratch initials into the other girls face, perfume
bottles are used to bash the enemies skull in. To any girl who has been known
to turn into A Fighter after a few too many Apple Sourz, I advise that you should seriously rethink you alcohol intake
before you end up in jail, with an ex-friend who is missing an eye and has the
word ‘Bitch’ engraved on their cheek.
The Poser
This is for the person that has a drink and then decides
that getting their friend to take a picture of them on the toilet is just the
best. Idea. Ever. Most of you will have
seen these pictures and unfortunately for us, what has been seen cannot be
unseen. The Poser will also make sure there are at least 30 photos of them
holding two drinks (at least), dancing in the middle of an empty club. This is
to let everyone know how much fun they are and how much we all want to be their
friend because doesn’t everyone want
a picture to capture the memory of them urinating in the same bathroom stall as
their best mate?
The Updater
The Updater is normally a very close friend of The Poser.
This person will update all his/her friends via social media sites to let them
know how much fun they are having/how drunk they are/how much they love this
song/how much they love their mates/how little sleep they have had etc etc etc etc
etc etc etc. Etc. I’ve noticed a growing trend of people morphing into Updaters
after ending relationships. Of course it is important to let the ex ‘Love of
Your Frickin’ Life’ know that you are soooooooooooo
much better without them, and that you are having sooooooooooooo much fun, and the best way to do that is on Facebook
because he/she is definitely sat at home refreshing your page, waiting for
information to filter through. If you are a diehard Updater you’ll even get your
friends to post on your page something along the lines of ‘love u so much
girlllll xxxxxx’ or ‘omg dese guys jst won’t leave us alone…they’re pretty hot
doe ;) xxx’. The Updater will make sure everyone knows that they are just the most fun to be around, ironically
missing the point that sitting on Facebook whilst on a night out probably makes
you the most boring person to be around.
The Crier
The Crier is someone who has a couple of drinks and….cries.
Pretty simple, really. The Crier will break down for an array of reasons.
Perhaps the person they fancy is dancing with someone else, or they suddenly
remember the gerbil they had that died 7 years ago, or (and in my opinion, the
most irritating) ‘no one likes me’.
The Crier is determined for everyone to stop enjoying their night and focus all
their attention on whatever mundane problem The Crier has just realised needs
to be addressed at that exact moment. The Crier will not rest until he/she has
told everyone why their life is so much worse than everyone else’s and made
sure everyone would rather slit their wrists than bust some moves on the dance floor.
The Best Friend
The Best Friend is the person that decides to live by the
motto ‘strangers are just people you haven’t made friends with yet’, rather
than ‘strangers are potential rapists and should be avoided at all costs’. The Best Friend will dance with anyone, take
a drink from anyone, laugh with anyone and the next day will probably end up
with a wealth of pictures of people they do not know. The Best Friend is
determined to make sure everyone is having fun, whether they know them or not.
This means dragging everyone onto the dance floor. And I mean everyone. The
Best Friend will take back strangers to their actual group of friends,
introduce them and then leave them to go in search of more strangers. The Best Friend doesn’t notice if a stranger has a questionable
odour about them. The Best Friend doesn’t mind if their new playmate wants to
grab their behind all evening. The Best Friend doesn’t judge the person who is
slyly emptying strange powder into girl’s drinks. Everyone in that club is a
potential new buddy of The Best Friend. Everyone.
Of course the list of different types of drunks is far
longer than this, but I’ve got really important things to do today like tidy
the bedroom and eat 3 packets of French Fries in a row. Sorry.