What women look for in a man
I’ve decided since I haven’t updated my blog in a while to give all you single males out there a bit of dating advice. You should absolutely follow these instructions if you’re looking to settle down in a relationship, get dusty in your private parts* and die in marital bliss:
· 1.Make sure you tell the girl you are dating all about your toilet habits. There is nothing we like more than finding out you ‘pebble dashed the entire toilet’ earlier in the day. We really enjoy all the intimate details and really don’t want you to tone it down just because we have vaginas. If you can work it in to conversation, I’d suggest describing the smell of your own farts using different food analogies and warmth levels, e.g ‘it was a mix between old Heinz baked beans and leftover macaroni cheese, with a pretty humid after effect’.
· 2. Under no circumstances should you hold the door for us, pull out a chair or open our car door for us. This is the twenty first century people, and frankly we’d only think you were insulting our feminist inclinations if you did something polite like the above. We’re one of the guys now and if you’d be more likely to pull our chair out from under us so we land up on the floor with a broken coccyk bone, that’s what we want you to do. We’ll appreciate you feeling comfortable with us.
· 3. Use our toothbrush. It makes us feel intimate and close to you.
· 4.Go through our phones. We’ll love that you are feeling jealous of all the other guys we are texting and won’t fear that you might be a psycho. I’d suggest that you do this as early as the first date because it shows us that you are serious about our relationship right from the offset. We won’t be mad because it just shows you care about us.
· 5.‘Like’ all of our photos on facebook and comment daily on our walls. We all love public displays of affection and what better way of showing it than over the internet where all our friends/people-we-hate-but-love-to-show-how-happy-we-are-with-our-new-boyfriend are. We definitely won’t be freaked out and won’t be inclined to delete you OR hide your wallposts. This is also a good way of gaining the attention of the girl you want to date. After liking each photos, I’d recommend you giving each one a score out of ten. Make sure you don’t go above 9.5 though because you want to keep her wanting more. Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen.
· 6.Make sure you flirt with all our friends. They’ll definitely tell us, but it will make us think we have competition. Another upside of you grabbing our friend’s arse is that we will fall out with her and then you get us all to ourselves, no sharies.
· 7.Buy us presents. We like girly shit like irons, gardening gloves and mixing bowls. Occasionally you might even want to buy us presents that will benefit you more than anyone else. For example, buy us some shoe polish and we’ll be sure to use it on your shoes every Sunday night before you go to work in the morning. This is a win-win situation because we love cleaning stuff and….you get clean stuff.
I’ve run out of ideas for now, but the ones I’ve got so far are pretty fool proof. If these don’t work the only other thing I can suggest is that you look into buying a bride online. Make sure you use a reputable website and ensure you have a warranty so you can send the bitch back if she back chats too much.
Peace x
*this is absolutely a joke, if you are reading this boyf.
