Activities for The Unemployed

Whilst waiting for second interviews (yeah. You read that right. SECOND interviews. I’m a pro at the interviewing. Just TRY and stop me), I have had a lot of time for activities that have previously being impeded by either work/university/sixth form/school/nursery. I thought I’d do a little blog post about all the different things I’ve been doing whilst unemployed and bored out of my god damn mind. They range from mind numbingly boring to shoot myself in the face dull, but alas, they are all I have to cling onto the last strands of my sanity.

1.       Wandering around the gym aimlessly – When the opportunity to go to the gym was limited by the fact I had responsibilities, I used to watch the fascinating humans that seemed to spend their lives there, yet never seemed to do anything. Their workouts don't seem to extend further than filling up their water bottle, leaning against walls, swinging their towels around and talking to the instructors about all the FAKE exercise they’ve been doing.

However, whilst in my poor, unemployed stupor I have noticed that actually I’ve had a little bit of time to kill and that there is a very real danger that I won’t have any real interaction with a fellow living being, bar my cat, for long periods of time. This has meant that I’ve morphed into one of those dillholes that sees the gym as a social activity. I will stand and listen to anyone talk about the pros and cons of protein shakes, I’ll let anyone teach me new workouts regardless of whether they're actually employed by the gym and if I was strong enough I’d totally spot the steroid junkie on the weights. I’m sure if people know how close I am to physically latching myself onto their bodies and screaming ‘TALK TO ME ABOUT PREMIUM GYM MEMBERSHIP’ I’d be banned from most gyms in the area. The only reason I’ve stopped myself thus far is because I don’t want to lose a top hang out spot.

2.       Checking the Daily Mail website – Let’s just be very clear here, I am totally ashamed. I am well aware of the kind of person this makes me but it’s crucial to understand that their celebrity gossip is just second to none. The Daily Mail has this amazing habit of stealing interviews from all the magazines I’d usually buy and putting them up on the website before the magazine has even been published. It’s incredible. I used to buy magazines every week but now I know I can get my fix for free on the internet and it has revolutionized my life. Now my days are filled with questioning whether I’m a ‘real woman’ because my boobs are so small I can still see my feet. Phrases such as ‘eye candy’, ‘dangerous curves’ and ‘raunchy, figure hugging outfit’ float around my brain and occasionally fall out of my mouth when trying to tell my mum I like what she is wearing.

3.       Being judgemental – Being unemployed has meant I have a lot of time for t’internet activities. This has meant that as well as judging all the people outside my house, I have also learnt to judge all the people inside my computer. My facebook does this infuriating thing where it doesn’t update itself for hours at a time which has meant I have actively had to go and search for people to judge. When I had a life I pretty much gave up on facebook because it never bloody showed me anything anyway. Now I’ve taught myself that if facebook doesn’t come to you, you go to facebook. Much time has been spent assessing the stability of other people’s relationships, whether that girl is truly happy that her nose is that big and if that boy has realised that he can try all he wants but he will forever remain in the friend zone.  I know this makes me sound like a horrible human... mostly because I am a horrible human. I have a disease and ain’t no one gon’ cure me from it. If you are reading this, I’ve probably stalked you and then judged you. I’m one step away from writing a ‘Hot or Not’ list for all the people I’ve ever interacted with on social media websites. Help me.

4.       Day time TV – Remember that saying ‘too much TV will make your eyes go square’? I think that my eyes might be going square. I never knew you could watch so much television that you could actually get a head ache from it. I now know that I actually quite like the Kardashian family and that I think those awful ladies from Loose Women need to quietly take themselves to the bathrooms at the ITV studios and stick their heads down the toilets. I feel like they deliberately make day time television boring because they want people to get so infuriated by reruns of Come Dine with Me that they are forced to go and find jobs. Guess they didn’t factor in Sky+ when they made that little executive decision. Now I’ve got series and series and series of Keeping Up With the Kardashians to watch (until my second interviews. When I’ll stop. I promise).

5.       Analysing my body – When you are busy you don’t really have any more time than to look in the mirror and say ‘yup. My hair looks like shite today’ and then continue with whatever you were doing. When you’ve got enough time in your life that you could literally stand in front of a mirror for a solid day if you wanted to, you start to learn all about open pores and frown lines. It is entirely unhealthy how well plucked my eyebrows are at the moment. I have become the kind of person who actually exfoliates before applying fake tan. If I hadn’t finally learnt that dying hair is something that needs to be left to the professionals I am sure I’d be in my bathroom with a box colour every 3 days just to ‘touch up’ my roots. Having this much free time has given me an acute ability to judge myself as looking like fifty shades of shit, regardless of whether I actually do.

6.       Going insane – Although I have only been living this cruel existence for two weeks and I know it is soon to end, I feel as though my brain is slowly melting. For me, having too much time on my hands has been entirely terrible. I’ve spent years in education praying for a time where I could choose whatever time I wanted to get up in the morning and now it has finally arrived and I can say with conviction that it. Sucks. Ass. My motivation has gone, I’ve turned into a needy little whinebag with nothing to focus her attention on. I do not recommend this life.