I'm going to hit you in the FACE with a BOOK

I have a boyfriend. We love each other. Sometimes if we are feeling really romantic we even tell the other that we love them. In fact, occasionally I’ll even massage his scabby, rugby-bruised feet and when we go on long car journeys he buys me Quavers and Ribena. As you can imagine, it’s all very Mr Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet.

I also have a Facebook. And I really love that too. Secretly, I’m probably a bit obsessed by it. It’s the first thing I look at in the morning and the last thing I look at before I go to sleep. I’m a girl and I love gossip and Facebook is the only place I can spy on people without getting arrested for stalking. In fact, on Facebook they almost encourage you to stalk and no one will ever know you are doing (unless they ever release a real ‘Your Top Ten Stalkers’ app, in which case I am screwed).

However, occasionally certain posts will pop up on my newsfeed that literally make me so furious I need to lie down in a darkened room. I know you know which posts I mean because I know that only normal people will be reading this and all normal people find these kinds of posts infuriating. In fact, I’ve even come across the occasional weirdo that hates these kinds of posts too...they are that bad.

I’m going to give you a few examples but I must pre-warn you that if you have a bad gag reflex you might want to look away now:

‘I luv my babii xxxx’; ‘mi gal meens the world 2 me’; ‘neva wanna lose u’; ‘finkin of that speshal someone’; ‘Abby*, had such a gud dai wiv u, cant wait for millions mor’.

 Now from where I’m sitting, managing to gather enough brain cells to type out a couple of badly formed sentences does not particularly scream romance, in fact if it were me, it would more scream “Abby* went from ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’”, but then again it is more than likely that Abby* is just as much of a twat as her boyfriend and probably thinks that his heartfelt internet PDAs are really ‘thoughtful’ and show ‘he’s da 1’ for her. They both need to be sterilized.

The worst thing is that this new wave of internet-affection has now leaked dangerously into the realms of my ‘not usually annoying’ friend groups. These are people that can generally carry a conversation and seem to be pretty functional in everyday life. They look like they shower daily and occasionally change their underwear. These are people who are educated. God dammit, they have A-levels. But instead of using their ‘post GCSE’ education to achieve anything productive, they sit and tell the world about how wonderful their relationship is. Gosh, how jealous we all must be that your boyfriend isn’t so mentally retarded that he manages to type a couple of words onto your social networking site before he returns to scratching his balls and playing COD.

These people seem so desperate to prove to the world that they haven’t just found someone who actually puts up with their shit, they’ve found someone who likes their shit. The problem here is that eventually they are going to have to have a proper conversation. Facebook delays this inevitable and means that it takes these couples twice as long to realise that actually that cute sniffling noise she makes is really annoying, and the way he farts all the time is more than can be tolerated. Over facebook, he can’t hear her sniffing and she can’t smell his farts and therefore everything is perfect. Until it isn’t. And don’t even get my started on the facebook break up posts.  

*name changed to protect the identity of the idiot who would go out with such an absolute douchebag