5 Shades of Drunk

I recently became horribly drunk after a full days drinking at a festival. I’m talking drunk to the extent I began whimpering that if I didn’t feel better in the next hour my boyfriend ‘should definitely call an ambulance’. I’m talking drunk to the extent I was sure someone must have spiked my drink. I’m talking drunk to the extent I didn’t even have to help myself throw up. It was a terrible time in my life. However, now I’ve managed to establish with myself that when I get completely rat arsed I am ‘A Whiner’, I thought it might be fun to write a blog entry about some of the other kinds of drunks you might find on a night out:

The Fighter

Unfortunately this category is not just reserved for men. If anything I see more females scrapping with each other, most of them looking like they are doing some abnormal mating dance, than men. The difference between drunk men fighting and drunk women fighting is that drunk men tend to just throw a few badly aimed punches before remembering they are best mates and going to buy each other another flaming Sambucca. From what I’ve seen of women fighters, they use weapons. And these are weapons you don’t even realise are weapons until they are being used as such. Suddenly a pair of cheap Primark stilettos are being used as eye-gougers, keys are being used to scratch initials into the other girls face, perfume bottles are used to bash the enemies skull in. To any girl who has been known to turn into A Fighter after a few too many Apple Sourz, I advise that you  should seriously rethink you alcohol intake before you end up in jail, with an ex-friend who is missing an eye and has the word ‘Bitch’ engraved on their cheek.

The Poser

This is for the person that has a drink and then decides that getting their friend to take a picture of them on the toilet is just the best. Idea. Ever.  Most of you will have seen these pictures and unfortunately for us, what has been seen cannot be unseen. The Poser will also make sure there are at least 30 photos of them holding two drinks (at least), dancing in the middle of an empty club. This is to let everyone know how much fun they are and how much we all want to be their friend because doesn’t everyone want a picture to capture the memory of them urinating in the same bathroom stall as their best mate?

The Updater

The Updater is normally a very close friend of The Poser. This person will update all his/her friends via social media sites to let them know how much fun they are having/how drunk they are/how much they love this song/how much they love their mates/how little sleep they have had etc etc etc etc etc etc etc. Etc. I’ve noticed a growing trend of people morphing into Updaters after ending relationships. Of course it is important to let the ex ‘Love of Your Frickin’ Life’ know that you are soooooooooooo much better without them, and that you are having sooooooooooooo much fun, and the best way to do that is on Facebook because he/she is definitely sat at home refreshing your page, waiting for information to filter through. If you are a diehard Updater you’ll even get your friends to post on your page something along the lines of ‘love u so much girlllll xxxxxx’ or ‘omg dese guys jst won’t leave us alone…they’re pretty hot doe ;) xxx’. The Updater will make sure everyone knows that they are just the most fun to be around, ironically missing the point that sitting on Facebook whilst on a night out probably makes you the most boring person to be around.

The Crier

The Crier is someone who has a couple of drinks and….cries. Pretty simple, really. The Crier will break down for an array of reasons. Perhaps the person they fancy is dancing with someone else, or they suddenly remember the gerbil they had that died 7 years ago, or (and in my opinion, the most irritating) ‘no one likes me’. The Crier is determined for everyone to stop enjoying their night and focus all their attention on whatever mundane problem The Crier has just realised needs to be addressed at that exact moment. The Crier will not rest until he/she has told everyone why their life is so much worse than everyone else’s and made sure everyone would rather slit their wrists than bust some moves on the dance floor.

The Best Friend

The Best Friend is the person that decides to live by the motto ‘strangers are just people you haven’t made friends with yet’, rather than ‘strangers are potential rapists and should be avoided at all costs’.  The Best Friend will dance with anyone, take a drink from anyone, laugh with anyone and the next day will probably end up with a wealth of pictures of people they do not know. The Best Friend is determined to make sure everyone is having fun, whether they know them or not. This means dragging everyone onto the dance floor. And I mean everyone. The Best Friend will take back strangers to their actual group of friends, introduce them and then leave them to go in search of more strangers. The Best Friend doesn’t notice if a stranger has a questionable odour about them. The Best Friend doesn’t mind if their new playmate wants to grab their behind all evening. The Best Friend doesn’t judge the person who is slyly emptying strange powder into girl’s drinks. Everyone in that club is a potential new buddy of The Best Friend. Everyone.

Of course the list of different types of drunks is far longer than this, but I’ve got really important things to do today like tidy the bedroom and eat 3 packets of French Fries in a row. Sorry.

what women want

What women look for in a man

I’ve decided since I haven’t updated my blog in a while to give all you single males out there a bit of dating advice. You should absolutely follow these instructions if you’re looking to settle down in a relationship, get dusty in your private parts* and die in marital bliss:

·         1.Make sure you tell the girl you are dating all about your toilet habits. There is nothing we like more than finding out you ‘pebble dashed the entire toilet’ earlier in the day. We really enjoy all the intimate details and really don’t want you to tone it down just because we have vaginas. If you can work it in to conversation, I’d suggest describing the smell of your own farts using different food analogies and warmth levels, e.g ‘it was a mix between old Heinz baked beans and leftover macaroni cheese, with a pretty humid after effect’.

·        2. Under no circumstances should you hold the door for us, pull out a chair or open our car door for us. This is the twenty first century people, and frankly we’d only think you were insulting our feminist inclinations if you did something polite like the above. We’re one of the guys now and if you’d be more likely to pull our chair out from under us so we land up on the floor with a broken coccyk bone, that’s what we want you to do. We’ll appreciate you feeling comfortable with us.

·        3. Use our toothbrush. It makes us feel intimate and close to you.

·         4.Go through our phones. We’ll love that you are feeling jealous of all the other guys we are texting and won’t fear that you might be a psycho. I’d suggest that you do this as early as the first date because it shows us that you are serious about our relationship right from the offset. We won’t be mad because it just shows you care about us.

·         5.‘Like’ all of our photos on facebook and comment daily on our walls. We all love public displays of affection and what better way of showing it than over the internet where all our friends/people-we-hate-but-love-to-show-how-happy-we-are-with-our-new-boyfriend are. We definitely won’t be freaked out and won’t be inclined to delete you OR hide your wallposts. This is also a good way of gaining the attention of the girl you want to date. After liking each photos, I’d recommend you giving each one a score out of ten. Make sure you don’t go above 9.5 though because you want to keep her wanting more. Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen.

·         6.Make sure you flirt with all our friends. They’ll definitely tell us, but it will make us think we have competition. Another upside of you grabbing our friend’s arse is that we will fall out with her and then you get us all to ourselves, no sharies.

·         7.Buy us presents. We like girly shit like irons, gardening gloves and mixing bowls. Occasionally you might even want to buy us presents that will benefit you more than anyone else. For example, buy us some shoe polish and we’ll be sure to use it on your shoes every Sunday night before you go to work in the morning. This is a win-win situation because we love cleaning stuff and….you get clean stuff.

I’ve run out of ideas for now, but the ones I’ve got so far are pretty fool proof. If these don’t work the only other thing I can suggest is that you look into buying a bride online. Make sure you use a reputable website and ensure you have a warranty so you can send the bitch back if she back chats too much.

Peace x

*this is absolutely a joke, if you are reading this boyf.

I'm going to hit you in the FACE with a BOOK

I have a boyfriend. We love each other. Sometimes if we are feeling really romantic we even tell the other that we love them. In fact, occasionally I’ll even massage his scabby, rugby-bruised feet and when we go on long car journeys he buys me Quavers and Ribena. As you can imagine, it’s all very Mr Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet.

I also have a Facebook. And I really love that too. Secretly, I’m probably a bit obsessed by it. It’s the first thing I look at in the morning and the last thing I look at before I go to sleep. I’m a girl and I love gossip and Facebook is the only place I can spy on people without getting arrested for stalking. In fact, on Facebook they almost encourage you to stalk and no one will ever know you are doing (unless they ever release a real ‘Your Top Ten Stalkers’ app, in which case I am screwed).

However, occasionally certain posts will pop up on my newsfeed that literally make me so furious I need to lie down in a darkened room. I know you know which posts I mean because I know that only normal people will be reading this and all normal people find these kinds of posts infuriating. In fact, I’ve even come across the occasional weirdo that hates these kinds of posts too...they are that bad.

I’m going to give you a few examples but I must pre-warn you that if you have a bad gag reflex you might want to look away now:

‘I luv my babii xxxx’; ‘mi gal meens the world 2 me’; ‘neva wanna lose u’; ‘finkin of that speshal someone’; ‘Abby*, had such a gud dai wiv u, cant wait for millions mor’.

 Now from where I’m sitting, managing to gather enough brain cells to type out a couple of badly formed sentences does not particularly scream romance, in fact if it were me, it would more scream “Abby* went from ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’”, but then again it is more than likely that Abby* is just as much of a twat as her boyfriend and probably thinks that his heartfelt internet PDAs are really ‘thoughtful’ and show ‘he’s da 1’ for her. They both need to be sterilized.

The worst thing is that this new wave of internet-affection has now leaked dangerously into the realms of my ‘not usually annoying’ friend groups. These are people that can generally carry a conversation and seem to be pretty functional in everyday life. They look like they shower daily and occasionally change their underwear. These are people who are educated. God dammit, they have A-levels. But instead of using their ‘post GCSE’ education to achieve anything productive, they sit and tell the world about how wonderful their relationship is. Gosh, how jealous we all must be that your boyfriend isn’t so mentally retarded that he manages to type a couple of words onto your social networking site before he returns to scratching his balls and playing COD.

These people seem so desperate to prove to the world that they haven’t just found someone who actually puts up with their shit, they’ve found someone who likes their shit. The problem here is that eventually they are going to have to have a proper conversation. Facebook delays this inevitable and means that it takes these couples twice as long to realise that actually that cute sniffling noise she makes is really annoying, and the way he farts all the time is more than can be tolerated. Over facebook, he can’t hear her sniffing and she can’t smell his farts and therefore everything is perfect. Until it isn’t. And don’t even get my started on the facebook break up posts.  

*name changed to protect the identity of the idiot who would go out with such an absolute douchebag